Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
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My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Blew my mind.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.