Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
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Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
I don’t hate children, just yours.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.