Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
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Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.