My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
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You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.