Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
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This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
me logging onto twitter
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny