Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
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a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated