I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
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I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.