Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
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My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere