When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
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A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked