Bros before Ohioes
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All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.