Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
You Might Also Like
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed