Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
You Might Also Like
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Breaking news:
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Thank you corporation very cool
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Ferrari squats
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.