Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
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16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
happy mother’s day❤️
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.