Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
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Seek kebab; not attention
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
TRAIN’S HERE
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery