a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
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Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.