Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
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my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
i meant to share this earlier
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
I’m awake but I object,
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
so i’m at the stock market right
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket