“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
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The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
just got my engagement photos
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.