I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
You Might Also Like
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Extremely relatable.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors