Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
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How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
me when the borders lift
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.