Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
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My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.