Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
You Might Also Like
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.