[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
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Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?