[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
You Might Also Like
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
finally
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
I feel like one of these would kill a European
what kind of cook setting is this??
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’