Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
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9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.