I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
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Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
My good tweets are in my other pants.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting