i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
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*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Me trying to “trust the process”
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not