I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
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HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.