It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
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Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.