I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
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EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
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Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.