And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
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[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
He took my last fry, your honor
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors