CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
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I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.