No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
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Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Strangers have the best candy.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/