Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
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Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.