Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
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Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
How actors in movies eat their food
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.