dam girl
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Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
i think both sides are to blame here
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.