Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
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HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”