I like donuts.
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As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.