ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
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no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”