No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
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Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Me trying to look natural in photos
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Vodka burrito was a success
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.