[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
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My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
okay run it by me one more time
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
peak technology
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character