Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
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I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Flowers bee like
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.