I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
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When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
They’re called werewolves.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?