i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
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6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest