If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
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[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.