Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
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bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.