No laws when master is gone
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Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern