if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
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DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!