Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
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just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.