Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
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Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Ugh but profoundly
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.