Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
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I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
My favorite type of men is ramen.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee